Sunday, February 7, 2010

It's not that I've had nothing to say...

...I'm just struggling to find the hours in the day to say things.

For awhile I've wanted to tell you about 2009. I know New Year's Day was over a month ago now, but I want to declare the faithfulness of the Lord to me in 2009:

1) I got a roommate. I don't see her every day, but she is an amazing woman whom I'm humbled to call my friend. She is passionate and creative and hard-working, not to mention extremely intelligent. It means a lot to me to not have to live by myself. I may do it again someday, but in any case this is a great season and I'm thankful for it. People always tell horror stories about roommates ... and I'm here to say that some people are just easy to live with (such as my roommate). Not gonna say anything about myself being easy to live with, especially since I come as a package deal with a slightly insane but also quite normal feline (if any of you has cat, you know that their insanity is par for the course).

2) I was able to make peace with a dear friend I had lost. This friend and I had loved and hurt each other much over the years, and then gone without speaking for several. We are not in one anothers' daily lives per se, but I believe we are at peace, as much as we can be in this world. I am so astonished by God's grace, giving His people the ability to forgive and the willingness to apologize and coexist in harmony. I know that the Holy Spirit is the indwelling power for peace where there is discord, and I give Him all glory and honor. I also submit to Him my prayers for continued power for reconciliation in this life! It's something that seems impossible at times, but because of 2009, I know that it's not.

3) I persevered through a very difficult trial related to my job satisfaction. I thought it was impossible for me to be happy in working and that I would never find a place that I'd be happy to go to every day. I trusted this to God, and through His deliverance I am a changed woman with a new role that I am happy to take on every work day. I am a very purpose-driven person, with a huge need to feel like what I'm doing somehow makes a difference for someone else. It's a form of pride but also a form of legitimate search for meaning. God, through His lovingkindness, has opened my eyes to help me see the ways in which I make a difference every day, and He inspires me to continue on with passion for my daily tasks, until such time as a fork in the road occurs.

4) Most importantly, and most intangibly, God has freed me from the bondage of deep hurts that have been with me since early teen years. For a long time I had thoughts and memories that marked who I was and how I treated people. I was prevented from moving past a certain level in relationships, I was always watching my back and scrutinizing the behavior of others. In 2009 I faced my demons and somehow spiritually overcame. Only when I faced the prospect of a true loss of something that I really wanted and finally realized I couldn't stop myself from wanting, did I become vulnerable enough for God to release me from the fear of losing what I most value. Before, I always protected myself by restraining my desires. Now I can desire fully, and He can be fully responsible for mending me in my places of disappointment. It is always the invisible hand of God that guides me through these battles and shows me a new Hope of healing that I'd long-since written off as something for eternity but not for right now. Oh no, He will surprise me with a taste of peace for today, and I love it!

The overarching lesson of 2009: God wants to be the one to save you. He's always wanted and still wants to be your savior. We can put our trust in the once-for-all saving action of Jesus, or we can place our trust there and let it broaden out like a picnic blanket. We can spread our trust out into all areas of life and realize that he wants to be our Savior in today's world, too. When we come to that last ounce of personal strength, when we're scraping the bottom of financial and spiritual riches, and we've determined that there is no more hope according to the signs that we're reading, He wants to save us in the here-and-now. If you're willing to seek Him, you will find Him when you search for Him with all your heart! It will be the best discovery of your day, your life, and your year(s). I promise!