Tomorrow is a big day. I am so grateful tonight to say that I am moving into a home, that I own, and I get to share it with my husband and my son.
When I moved back East in 2011, I didn't ever believe that 3 years would bring these 3 enormous gifts into my life. I was spinning wheels and thought of that as my permanent identity. Shows how much I know!
I am so thrilled! I have a place, and in my place are my people. More importantly, I have my people.
Lastnight we walked through the house which was still a work in progress -- and will be, even after we move in. But that's exciting, and it's a beautiful and challenging thing.
My baby is a week away from 2 months old. His blue eyes are just riveting. He's starting to coo and smiles quite often. He's working on a giggle! I can't ever stop saying thank you for every feeding, all the rolls, the cheeks and rosebud lips. I love his snoring and happy piglet grunting when he eats. I love the way he laughs and stares at his daddy so intently every night when he comes home from work.
These days, Caleb hates being set down, but he is learning to cope. He does love to sit in the Mei Tai sash carrier while I cook, clean, and pack the apartment for moving day. He cooperates well with being babysat by aunts, uncles, and grandparents (or so they say...). He is growing SO fast, and already wears 3-6 month outfits! I hear often that our baby is "actually cute." I know, it's hard to believe! Wink.
I call myself McFearless for the sake of this blog, but it's really supposed to be ironic, because the fact is that the more my goals are achieved, the more life experiences I am given, the more I grow old -- the more opportunities I have to turn onto fear. It's a feeling I battle daily, and I realize that the more I love something or someone on this earth, the more the flip side of that is losing them somehow or other.
Fear pushes me continually to let go of the dust of this earth -- beautiful though the dust may be, and IS, in my life. It pushes me toward God, toward the Maker of my Identity and the purpose of my existence (whether I like it, or some days not). It reminds me that I am built to love what lasts -- He lasts. There is no fear in losing that love. And in loving him, I am able to form healthy attachments to others walking this world with me.
Today is a beautiful day. It's not exempt from fear for the future -- or else, how would I ever learn to be brave? Son of the Fearless one -- that's me. I hope I'm becoming more like him, the more fears I can realize and relinquish.