Wednesday, November 14, 2012

woman becoming

Just over a week shy of 2 months married and 2 months large and in charge at work. It's been nonstop action. Most days, lightly controlled chaos, similar to that "flexible" hold hairspray. I am less flexible than my hairspray, so these days can try my mental state from time to time.

The problem is perfectionism, because I have in my head what a "perfect" woman would be and do in all my varied roles, and this imaginary person lives 10 times the life I do in 3 additional dimensions. Pretty much, this woman is a monster and eats losers like me for breakfast.

The other problem is comparison. I compare myself with women I've known recently or in the past who've done my job much better than I do, and all I can see is my own failure to live up to their performance after 2 months of doing what they've been doing for 10 years. I compare myself with my mom and my husband's mom, who've also come on the radar with decades of experience not only at being godly women in general and wives in particular, but also very good mothers on top of it.

Admittedly, I also compare myself with other bloggers that I love, who all seem to be married moms of multiple children who they stay home and mother full-time, and blog/tweet/pin/facebook/speak publicly and also write books in their spare time. And where do they get this spare time when motherhood is a 24/7 job of keeping humans alive???

I really don't have the slightest clue how to add children to this mix, but thankfully, I don't have to worry about that ... indefinitely?

I tried to take some pressure off myself by finding a blogging community of women who are doing what I'm doing: trying to be a God-fearing woman plus a semi-traditional wife and also a bombshell and also a powerful businesswoman. Turns out that not too many of those women exist and also write blog posts for solidarity and troubleshooting. Or maybe they all just get so good at so smoothly that they don't need an outlet for expressing ideas and getting support from others?

Well, when I feel like I am failing at something (or all the things), my tendency is to duck and cover. The impulse is to hide from the things or eject the most difficult situations. Right now, I don't have the flight option, so I'm going to have to stand in the ring and fight. I'm just going to have to keep trying to figure out how to be all things that I am becoming.

Accept imperfection. Receive grace. Grow in patience and let time pass to create growth. Sometimes the immersion course is most effective. Other times, it's the daily slog through class after class that imprints the lessons into the long-term memory.

And, most practically, keep trying new things. If the way I thought it should be organized doesn't work, try a new way. Realize that I can't be all my roles perfectly 100%. Receive grace.

Step into a new role that is a sort of conglomeration of many things that women in our society have the opportunity to be. I am not 100% homemaker, not 100% writer, not 100% businesswoman. I AM 100% God's woman, and He has given me the chance to do many things right now, according to what HE has asked of me: love & obedience. Receiving grace. Not being anxious. Asking for help.

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