I confessed to my dear hubby Jhonny earlier this week that sometimes I am scared: scared because the doctors say to me, "If you have had cancer once, you are more likely to have it again." Scared because I have to try and make the right decisions about follow-up care without knowing the future, but weighing a lot of heavy jargon against the present moment. I see 34-year-olds saying goodbye to their babies. My baby will be 4 when I am 34. My baby will be 10 when I am 40. How many years?
Now the likelihood is I will live a long and healthy, robust and crazy life. I am so loving life these days. It is so sweet! But I am daily reminded that I am fragile and frail. Friends gone at a snap of the fingers. Who's next?
I recall my regrets. I made so many choices for Fear.
I miss my friends: the ones I've broken fellowship with because I am just so broken. And I dread to know my jagged edges caught some faithful ones. I miss you, dear hearts.
I miss the ones who went too soon and too suddenly. It would be the truth to tell you that I miss you every day.
I feel my enemy, nipping at my heels. The husband and I wonder sometimes if our dreams are in the safe zone, away from the enemy's grasp, because at times those nightmares are just so real.
Some nights it's so real and recurring, the repentance of regrets. The clear expression of apologies for all the fearfulness and running and escapism.
Lastnight I was there in life with someone I will never again speak to in this life. I just kept saying I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I'm so sorry for what I did to myself, cutting Me off from You. What I did to you I did because I was so afraid. I was afraid to feel the pain and I was so young.
Little did I know, but I learn as I grow, you CAN.NOT run from pain. You cannot escape it.
And you try so hard not to get hurt. And you hurt yourself because you ran from what could have been the balm for your soul. You reject the gift, because you are living Fearful.
And I have been haunted, because I will never utter those words in this life. I will never have that earthly solace to give apologies and receive that one's forgiveness. But I hope we can lock arms in eternity. Coexist as it was meant to be. No pain, and all that sweet gain.
The pain -- on this side of the page, it's a gift. Don't take away my presents! I want to be present.
My dear husband told me -- our hope is not here. Whatever happens, our hope is in eternity, and we trust Jesus Christ our Savior to sustain our people through this life. We don't trust in each other lasting forever in this life. We trust our Jesus.
When I shadowbox these nighttime messengers of guilt, I teeter at the edge of failure. When I remember my true hope, I remember that my victory is already decided, and I am empowered.
When I remember how I've failed my friends, I remember the Friend I need most is guaranteed, and has promised to wipe away all the tears that I've caused ... and cried.
"They like, 'I hear you talkin' wins but I see your losses
You celebratin' crowns but I see your crosses'
That's the paradox that don't fit in your merry box
You might not understand if you walk in this pair of socks
The victor ain't the one that's winnin' seventh inning
Trophies don't go to the ones that got a good beginning
When I say I win I don't mean the state I'm in
I mean that day when the grace got fade out then
I'm winning cause I ran with Him."