My Spirit Had ACL Surgery
The question of how
spiritual growth happens is a very compelling to me. I am trying to wrestle
with the question for myself, and figure it out as I go along in my writing. I
hope you will share your feedback!
I believe in the idea that as a Christian person, it is a
good idea for me to read and study the Bible and pray. In fact, I love doing
those things! Disciplines cause growth, right? And yes, I would love to grow. Yet
when I honestly examine my crazy, out-of-control schedule and the impact aforementioned
lack of control has on my psyche, I realize that I really don’t a) study the
Bible or b) pray much at all anymore.
Eleven years of age seemed to be the pinnacle of practicing spiritual
disciplines in my life. At that time, I was a reader, studier, pray-er, and
journal-er. I would definitely say I got a lot out of those disciplines, and I
enjoyed them. I could FEEL the growing. I felt “close” to God. Perhaps it was
my innocence, but those were certainly “times of sweet refreshing,” and I miss
that.
At first I thought that the problem was just the lack of disciplines
at all, so I’m trying to pick those up again. Not out of guilt, but out of desire. Sometimes out of desperation, piled on top of the
desire.
Maybe I’m rusty, or maybe this year and all its joy and
tragedy has left me completely emotionally drained, but I just don’t feel the
spiritual life that I remember feeling in the past when I would approach these
disciplines. I have felt this way on and off over a period of years, and I
think that’s why ultimately I let my routine fall by the way-side – it wasn’t
having the same impact, or I wasn’t feeling the right feelings in response to
what I was doing, and that sense of deadness scared me so I just decided to
shut it down.
Rather than dealing
with my sense of spiritual deadness, I stopped engaging in the activities that
were forcing me to confront it.
Lately, I have been bombarded with messages of Grace. Our
pastor is preaching a sermon series on the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and he’s
talked much about grace. I participated in the Living Proof Live Simulcast this
past Saturday, and Beth Moore’s entire teaching was about grace. Ann Voskamp
writes about applying grace to ourselves in everyday life, pretty much nonstop.
I think part of what made me feel good about my spiritual
disciplines in the past, was the feeling that I was a good little girl for
doing what I was doing – I felt good
doing it all because it made me feel good about myself. Once that delusion is dissolved in the wake
of grace, what is left?
I sit down at the Bible to start reading, and it sort of
feels like chewing on rocks. I’m not getting anywhere. I’m a churched girl, I’ve
read this book all my life, and yet somehow the passages seem disconnected from
me and over my head. It’s like watching
RGIII try to play football this season – it’s bewildering because we all
know he knows what he’s doing, but somehow, going through the motions isn’t getting
results. At least, not yet.
But I am tired of spiritually living vicariously through
spiritual teachers, when I know that I have the tools that I need right in
front of me. I don’t want to do what I’ve done so many times in the past, and
walk away from the pieces when the puzzle gets too frustrating. I believe that
the Word is Life, and that Jesus left me His Spirit that I might HAVE life, and
have it abundantly.
Comments
Staying engaged, learning, etc. is an ongoing battle for me – I am so easily distracted. Too often.
This week I am going to be rejoining a ladies Bible study – and we are doing Exodus. The temptation is to skip -- “been there, done the flannel graph.”
But, I believe these are interesting times – post-Christian era – that it is. And I believe the times may get testier. What do I need to live through uncertain times, and be useful? That’s why I liked Ecclesiastes.
Moreover, Doug’s brother-in-law made a profession of faith in Christ – he is 87, and of sound mind. He is reading the Gospel of John -- and I wonder if my rereading the Gospel, imagining it is the first time – how that would refresh my faith?
So – I am approaching Exodus, thinking what it must have been like for an “old” woman to leave Egypt and not get to the Promised Land.
Knowing what Scripture says – and does not say – is so important – but sometimes I feel like the Israelites: Manna again?
I am intrigued by your point about understanding the times. Understanding what we are / I am up against in this day and age as Christians is certainly motivating and enlightens the need for the spiritual disciplines.
There is a theme in what you said about John and Exodus -- it is imagination. This is exciting! The thought of bringing our imagination to the study of Scripture is profound. Not in the sense of misinterpretation, but in the sense of renewed life application. This is fantastic.
Thank you so much for sharing your comment!! I am learning from others on this, and beginning to believe that spiritual growth comes much stronger in community, interacting with believers (fellowship?).
There are many thoughts and opinions about BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), and I am not trying to advertise it, but it would be impossible for me to describe what God has done in me over recent years without mentioning it. Though I had enjoyed many Bible studies throughout my adult life, the specific format of the BSF studies is exactly what God knew I need: 1) Daily reading and answering questions about the passage, 2) Discussing answers in a small group (*always* learning vital truth from what others saw in the passage), 3) Hearing a lecture about the passage I have studied and discussed, 4) Reading commentary on the passage, and 5) Applying at least ONE thing God has shown me from the passage (this last is not a stated part of the BSF "method," but it is a running theme throughout all of their materials, and it is indispensable). This approach just resonates mightily in my spirit. By the time we finished studying the Gospel of John, I felt as if I had been there, in first century Palestine, following Jesus around those dusty roads...
In the past year I have seen over and over and over again how God will use exactly what I am studying from His Word to speak to me precisely where I am in my everyday life. And this is the key. Because His Word is not history, nor a rule book, nor any other academic tome. It is Life. It is for living.
I love what you shared about growing to miss fasting! That is inspiring that you have learned to practice that discipline! Thanks for being willing to share your personal experience!!